Days 42 - 45: The Breakthrough

I know I haven't posted in awhile. The clarity of sobriety and the reality of life have set in at Day 42.

I have made several realizations over the past few days about myself and who I truly am.

I realize that I have friends that resent me for who I am and who I have become. They judge me on their insecurities instead of my accomplishments. This has often frustrated me but now I realize that I have so many other friends who accept me for me. So those friendships will either slowly fade away or those friends will inevitably get it.

I realize that I also have many great friends. These friends make me go to facials, put me in a car after I’ve vomited on a table in a restaurant, exchange ideas with me, call to check on me, make me laugh, make me think, make me appreciate myself, keep me busy with painting during my sobriety, enjoy ‘80’s dance music as much as me, don’t judge me and most importantly, share my love of Anthropologie J and “The Mothership”. They are honest and lovely

I realize that I have finally found my place in New York. I have amazing co-workers who are true friends. They are “freaks” like me. They don’t fit into a box or conform to societal norms. They are good caring people marching to the beat of their own drums; as one can imagine our office is pretty noisy. They don’t put on a front; they don’t sweep anything under the rug. If someone is having a problem with a boyfriend, husband, partner or just an issue with how they feel about themselves they talk about it. They are messy, a little crazy and most importantly real. I know everything about my coworkers: from favorite sexual positions to hopes for their children.

I realized that I will always love him, but it doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I was at the gym reading Time Out New York while biking. As I flipped through the pages I came to Dusk Bar’s Napkin Idol. It hit me like a kick in the chest. Déjà vu of how WES and I discovered Napkin Idol. Biking at the gym is no time to tear up. As I look up from the magazine I notice the girl on the bike in front of me has a shirt for an early prevention run, in large font: September 9^th 2007. I’m overwhelmed at first, I can’t breath. Then I realize the coincidence and that Wes probably had something to do with this. Of course I’d prefer he visit me on my morning commute when I’m fresh faced and not sweaty. The gym is where I do most of my thinking, which is often about him, my life, and how to move on. Maybe this is his way of saying its OK. Does it make it any easier? No. Do I feel less pain when I think of him? Not an iota less. Can I make it through one verse of Pink’s Who Knew without changing the station? Not in the slightest. I used to like that song but now it just about ruins my day when I hear it.

I realize I may never get over it but I will accept it. Knowing him has brought so many great, wonderful people into my life. Although we no longer have him, we now have each other and that is a great thing. So in short, that last kiss I'll cherish until we meet again but I have to go and live my life so we have something to talk about when we do see each other again.

I realize that I absolutely cannot tolerate homophobia on any level. Unless you are hoping for a gay child, I’m seriously debating on whether I really want to be your friend. Maybe this stems from the fact that some of the most beautiful, fun, caring, awesome people that I know are gay. I actually have no toleration for any sort of prejudice. This is probably one of the reasons I will never leave NYC. I am too old to deal with ignorance.

So why was Gay Night so much fun and how did it bring me to realize all of this? During Gay Night I have never laughed so hard. . thanks to Os and Kellen. I had great conversations about my emotional crap with Jamie and Jena. Rebecca tried to set me up with a hot bartender. Dara made me realize that I am not the only person who hopes they have a gay child. Clark, Troy and Miss Monty give the best hugs and all have great asses. On Saturday I had brunch in Jersey City and ran into my good friend Katelyn. Then I headed over to SoHo to go shopping and stopped in at Burton to see my friend Adam. I love that I have become so connected to my community

So I am 45 days in. I have 5 days of sobriety left and yes I still want to drink. However, I don’t want to get shit faced right out. I want to make changes for the better and make myself better which I will do. Two-thousand and nine will be the year of V.A.

So I’m sorry that I did not have anything funny to say but I leave you with this. My friend Yuan sent this to me in an effort to make me feel better about my sobriety.

“Sometimes I feel like I’m the only non religious person who still favors the prohibition and secretly hopes that they somehow bring back the Volstead Act”

P.S. in honor of the fact that you can now download Jermaine Stewart's You Don't Have To Take Your Clothes Off