Don't taint my vacation

So today we were walking home from a dinner at Al Capone's old haunt Joe's Cold Stone Crab Shack, which was delicious, when my brother decided to share with us the fact that all the walking has chaffed him.

Needless to say we were a little confused as to why my skinny ass brother was getting chaffed from walking. This is when he explained to us that the chaffing was relatively close to his testicles.

Upon further discussion he informed us that he pulls the hair from his balls to his asshole out, by hand. When asked why he does this he said that he watched a documentary on monks who pull all of their hair out. So he deducted that he could do this to his junk. He says that the ladies like it.

So to to truly understand where his chaffing was occurring he pulled out two quarters and dime to show us exactly where the chaffing was taking place. At which point I asked "your taint is chaffing?"

Needless to say hilarity ensued and we were all laughing so hard. So I told him to put some Palmer's Coca Butter on his taint. He asked if his Vaseline Intensive Care with aloe would be better. I told him it would burn his balls.

As Sarah, Paulie and I laugh hysterically he said, "What? I like getting my ass licked."

Thank you Barack Obama!

Alcoholics Anonymous

So I know I haven't blogged in awhile, especially since I have started drinking again.

What I have learned from my 50days sober and my subsequent 24 days off the wagon:

1. People still find me entertaining even when I sober
2. Sobriety fills you with hopeless optimism
3. The universe is, in fact, out to screw me
4. My life is ridiculous
5. Drinking is not a race, unless of course it is Capps, Me and two bottles of Jack
6. I’m getting old
7. Alcohol drowns out the sound of the ticking biological clock
8. The craziest shit happens when you are sober
9. Chocolate and ice cream cannot take the place of wine, beer and whiskey
10. If you place a handle of Jameson’s on your desk no one will question you
11. Capps is going to die alone
12. I hope Capps dies alone before the age of 45 otherwise we will die together in a miserable drunken stupor . . .but at least I won’t have to work
13. I’m smarter than people give me credit for
14. I have learned who my true friends are
15. I really love to play soccer

This is what I have learned from AA

Take the quiz if you think you can do better!

http://www.aa.org/lang/en/subpage.cfm?page=71