I figured I may have to ease a little bit back into drinking but that it would be a little like riding a bike. You hop off the wagon, have a drink or two and you are back in the fast lane. NOT AT ALL.
On my first night of non sobriety I sucked back a Petrón Martini. I got a little tipsy but my biggest gripe was that my stomach burned. I had coated my stomach with six perogies before I left Queens just a few hours earlier. That was more than sufficient to set the stage for my first drink . .nope! The tequila burned right through the perogies lining my stomach. I was not that into it.
The next night I took it easy as well. At dinner I had two glasses of chardonnay, an Irish coffee, a Chocolate Love Martini and an Apple Martini.I was slightly tipsy but again my stomach burned. I was not a fan. It will be slow road to alcohol redemption. I feel like I have one ankle stuck on the wagon and I’m being dragged along side it.
Um, so I had my Petron Margaritini at 12:01 am and it made my stomach hurt. I also got a little tipsy off of one drink. It's 9 hours later and my stomach still hurts.
I'm so fucking lame I hate myself.
I knew the universe would not let me get by unscathed. My make-or-break "date" with the Gemini has led to the a break. Guess I gotta move on. My sobriety was a high with a huge disconnect from reality. I know how things go down and optimism won't change that. But on to the next one.
Thanks for tuning in to my angst ridden sobriety. Now that balance has been restored and lambs are no longer being sacrificed to the alcohol gods I will need to get on with life. Should I reinstated my quest to be a raging alcoholic or shall I abstain for the eating of cheese for 50 days as one friend suggested.
I'm going to leave the experiments to Morgan Spurlock.
I honestly would slit my wrists if I couldn't eat cheese for 50 days.
Today is the last full day I will be sober. FUCK YEAH. I'm sort of tearing a little. I can't wait to take a sip of a delicious margarita.
I'm much less angsty and bitter than I was but don't let that fool you. I have learned a lot about myself in my sobriety journey.
11:45 PM - In a few short minuets I will take my first sip of alcohol in 50 days. However, it will be bittersweet. There were several hopes hinged on today and I think they will be dashed. . . . . . but at least I will have alcohol to cushion the blow.
Sobriety ends and my short stint in La La land is over . . . . back to reality.
Mahdi is the only person I know who does not drink that I do not have a heavy disdain for. Usually those who don’t drink preach to and judge those of us who do. (Note: Darren this does not include you . . . you are the best non drinker)
Mahdi was accepted to Columbia University. This to some may not be a big deal but for someone who has come from so little, fought the odds of men in his demographic and made something of themselves, this is huge. I am so proud of him.
Lately things in my life have been going unusually well. The universe is typically trying to screw me so this is a pleasant surprise.I'm starting to wonder if there is something to the scary movie formula where characters who abstain (don't drink or have sex) are the only characters who survive the hockey masked serial kill. Spare the virgin!
So I have two days left of sobriety. I’m pretty excited about this. My first drink, after what will technically be 49 days of sobriety, will be a Petrón Margarita with salt at the Raw Martini with my boy Jody.
Recently an unlikely source has forced me to really take a look at how I approach relationships. This unlikely source is my roommate Guy*. Yes, the man who has the “ho train” running through his sheets actually has on point insight into love and relationships. He explained to me that playing games, being elusive and witty is not going to get me what I want or let someone know that I truly do care about them. He said if you don’t open up and continue being afraid you will push people away. Needless to say this strategy plays well into my commitment phobia. So after a long and very loud discussion on what I should say in response to a text from a special someone, I gave in . . . . sort of.We met in the middle. I responded in a way I typically wouldn’t. I never show my hand or even flash a corner of a card and now I felt like I was laying it all out there. To my surprise, he was right. The text led to a great conversation and which made me realize a lot.You have to give a little to get a little even if you might get hurt.
My player of a roommate is a hopeless romantic, who’da thunk it!
Although I still have this impending feeling of doom and that it is all going to blow up in my face I will enjoy it while it lasts.
I know I haven't posted in awhile. The clarity of sobriety and the reality of life have set in at Day 42.
I have made several realizations over the past few days about myself and who I truly am.
I realize that I have friends that resent me for who I am and who I have become. They judge me on their insecurities instead of my accomplishments. This has often frustrated me but now I realize that I have so many other friends who accept me for me. So those friendships will either slowly fade away or those friends will inevitably get it.
I realize that I also have many great friends. These friends make me go to facials, put me in a car after I’ve vomited on a table in a restaurant, exchange ideas with me, call to check on me, make me laugh, make me think, make me appreciate myself, keep me busy with painting during my sobriety, enjoy ‘80’s dance music as much as me, don’t judge me and most importantly, share my love of Anthropologie J and “The Mothership”. They are honest and lovely
I realize that I have finally found my place in New York. I have amazing co-workers who are true friends. They are “freaks” like me.They don’t fit into a box or conform to societal norms. They are good caring people marching to the beat of their own drums; as one can imagine our office is pretty noisy. They don’t put on a front; they don’t sweep anything under the rug. If someone is having a problem with a boyfriend, husband, partner or just an issue with how they feel about themselves they talk about it.They are messy, a little crazy and most importantly real. I know everything about my coworkers: from favorite sexual positions to hopes for their children.
I realized that I will always love him, but it doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I was at the gym reading Time Out New York while biking. As I flipped through the pages I came to Dusk Bar’s Napkin Idol. It hit me like a kick in the chest. Déjà vu of how WES and I discovered Napkin Idol. Biking at the gym is no time to tear up. As I look up from the magazine I notice the girl on the bike in front of me has a shirt for an early prevention run, in large font: September 9th 2007. I’m overwhelmed at first, I can’t breath. Then I realize the coincidence and that Wes probably had something to do with this. Of course I’d prefer he visit me on my morning commute when I’m fresh faced and not sweaty. The gym is where I do most of my thinking, which is often about him, my life, and how to move on. Maybe this is his way of saying its OK. Does it make it any easier? No. Do I feel less pain when I think of him? Not an iota less. Can I make it through one verse of Pink’s Who Knew without changing the station? Not in the slightest. I used to like that song but now it just about ruins my day when I hear it.
I realize I may never get over it but I will accept it. Knowing him has brought so many great, wonderful people into my life. Although we no longer have him, we now have each other and that is a great thing. So in short, that last kiss I'll cherish until we meet again but I have to go and live my life so we have something to talk about when we do see each other again.
I realize that I absolutely cannot tolerate homophobia on any level. Unless you are hoping for a gay child, I’m seriously debating on whether I really want to be your friend. Maybe this stems from the fact that some of the most beautiful, fun, caring, awesome people that I know are gay. I actually have no toleration for any sort of prejudice. This is probably one of the reasons I will never leave NYC. I am too old to deal with ignorance.
So why was Gay Night so much fun and how did it bring me to realize all of this? During Gay Night I have never laughed so hard. . thanks to Os and Kellen. I had great conversations about my emotional crap with Jamie and Jena. Rebecca tried to set me up with a hot bartender. Dara made me realize that I am not the only person who hopes they have a gay child. Clark, Troy and Miss Monty give the best hugs and all have great asses. On Saturday I had brunch in Jersey City and ran into my good friend Katelyn. Then I headed over to SoHo to go shopping and stopped in at Burton to see my friend Adam. I love that I have become so connected to my community
So I am 45 days in. I have 5 days of sobriety left and yes I still want to drink. However, I don’t want to get shit faced right out. I want to make changes for the better and make myself better which I will do. Two-thousand and nine will be the year of V.A.
So I’m sorry that I did not have anything funny to say but I leave you with this. My friend Yuan sent this to me in an effort to make me feel better about my sobriety.
“Sometimes I feel like I’m the only non religious person who still favors the prohibition and secretly hopes that they somehow bring back the Volstead Act”
P.S. in honor of the fact that you can now download Jermaine Stewart's You Don't Have To Take Your Clothes Off
What is Gay Night you ask. Gay Night is when the peeps from work go out for drinks and some chatter. Why do we call it Gay Night because most of the people I work with are gay, want to be gay, have tried being gay or are gay icons. So in short we love "the gay" and "gayness".
If you don't like gays, are homophobic or use the word "faggot". You're an asshole and can go to hell.
This is an email chain from my co-workers:
From: Oz To: JD, Becs, V-Lo Subject: freak show Fridays at G
You are going tomorrow right??????
-------------------------------------------------------------- From: Becs To: JD, V-Lo, Oz Subject: freak show Fridays at G
YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-------------------------------------------------------------- From: V-Lo To: JD, Becs, Oz Subject: freak show Fridays at G
I can't believe I have been sober for 40 days. It's a miracle and one that I would prefer never to be repeated.
Lately, people have been asking me about clarity, learning about myself and how I've probably become so enlightened on my sober journey. On a level I have been enlightened, but enlightenment, flowers, and puppies don't get blog hits so I'm going to defer to the part of my soul that is angst ridden and has a great disdain for sobriety.
My thought on clarity through sobriety is this: Clarity for a commitment phobic alcoholic aspiring to be a world class raging alcoholic who coincidentally has a biological clock ticking like a time bomb is a recipe for disaster. In short I do not advise ever giving up dependence on controlled substances.
I was posed this question, "Moderation?"
Moderation , hmm. I'll think about it, but I'm not making any promises. Because if moderation does not drowned out the ticking of the biological clock and sufficiently cloud my judgment then I want no part of it.
I'm seeking guidance from words of some wise people.
"I do not live in the world of sobriety." Oliver Reed - Well Ollie, I prefer not to either. It's kind of a square place where us pegs don't belong.
"I keep telling people: Don't make me the poster boy for AA because I don't know a lot about sobriety, but I do know a lot about drinking." Billy Joel - Amen brother! I doubt anyone is trying to make me the poster girl for anything but I, too, know a lot about drinking.
"There is nothing wrong with sobriety in moderation." John Ciardi - I think I'm going to with this. I feel it is best for all parties involved.
I have realized that sobriety has led me to a sense of clarity or I'm crazy and alcohol makes me normal . . . I'm not sure but I think the next 11 days are going to be long ones.
So my good friend Veronica Weinstein and I had a conversation about sobriety:
Me: I think sobriety is making me crazy. Veronica: You're not crazy. You're awesome. Me: That's sweet but I'm really going crazy. I need a drink, it makes me normal. Veronica: Sobriety makes people moody. Me: I'm not moody anymore, just ancy. I need to have sex. Veronica: No alcohol and no sex! Whoa, you're a nun. Me: The not having sex is purely accidental. It's hard to go out and sleep with random people when alcohol is not involved. Veronica: So are you experiencing any sort of clarity then? Me: Yes, exactly and I hate it. Veronica: Clarity is what people strive for. Me: Well those people are stupid. I need a drink to cloud my judgment and make me whole again.
I'm afraid that over the next 11 days I will impale myself on a broken bottle of bourbon.
Above is an image of a guy smashing a bottle of wine on his head. I'd kind of like to do that right now then drowned in the wine. Fuck my life.
