WHAT REALLY HAPPENED
I was dressed when I drove to McDonalds for my hangover cure. I was wearing a long sleeve t-shirt and my green heart pajama pants. However, I was not wearing any underwear which was a bit of concern. I was afraid I'd get pulled over for drunk driving after the fact and get arrested. This would clearly suck, especially if I wasn't wearing any underwear.
Apparently, I was mean to my friend Chad who was kind of enough to drop me off at my brothers house. He also informed me that I dry heaved into the barrel adjacent to the bush that I fell in. I woke the next morning to find a pricker in my foot.
No, I did not sleep with anyone that night. Chad, who was very much a gentleman, told me that I was too drunk for him to even try.
Where was my dress? It was nicely laid on top of my suitcase. Thank you Chad.
6:30pm: My team is working on a new business pitch and they broke out a bottle of wine. I was jealous but refrained from crawling across the conference room table to take a swig from the bottle.
7pm: My boss shared her "dick for a day" fantasy. Now I preface this statement by saying my boss is a very attractive hip new york mom. She is super cool, looks like she is 21, in short she doesn't need a dick. But she explained that if she did have one she would bend her secretary (which she doesn't have but would need to hire) over a big mahogany desk and fuck the shit out of her. I quote "I'd fuck her in every hole." I have to say that if I wasn't on my sobriety kick I would have automatically thought I was drunk after hearing this. But boy am I glad that I was sober.
7:45pm: This is the last thing I saw before I left the office
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